“Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.”

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.

One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.

Dance with me. Bring my demons to their knees.

Always be doing something worthwhile; then the devil will always find you busy.

Secrets of the past! Who does not wish to keep the past locked in a cage like a ferocious beast? The rich are sleepless for fear of thieves. The respectable have to guard their reputations in the same way.

Be ever engaged, so that whenever the devil calls he may find you occupied.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

A false interpretation of Scripture causes that the gospel of the Lord becomes the gospel of man, or, which is worse, of the devil.

Woman is the gate of the devil, the road to iniquity, the sting of the scorpion, in a word, a dangerous species.

While you were claiming to protect me from others, someone should have protected me from you.