I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPSProbably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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