I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERSSome women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
JOAN RIVERS