I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERSSome women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Better laid than never.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERS