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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

Joan Rivers

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERS

Myself Smoke Time
Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERS

Enough Thankful Yourself
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny God Himself
I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
JOAN RIVERS

Body Husband Marriage Myself Naked Night Sex
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERS

Hard Time Remember Revenge Survive
Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
JOAN RIVERS

Gift Move On Yourself
The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
JOAN RIVERS

Age Book Fashion Myself Woman
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
JOAN RIVERS

Alive Bad Care Enjoyment Goodness Life Myself
In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
JOAN RIVERS

Day Expectation Life Yourself
Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERS

Born Children Easy Respect Yourself
I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERS

Myself Oneself Thankful
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERS

Body Memories Myself Women
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
JOAN RIVERS

Enjoyment Fast Life Stay Strong Wrong
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS

Appearance Funny Myself
I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
JOAN RIVERS

Daughter Hate Herself Himself Myself
I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Himself Husband Love Myself
Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERS

Angry Comedy Yourself
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
JOAN RIVERS

Couple Freedom Marriage Time Yourself
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
JOAN RIVERS

Bed Hate Myself Start Yourself
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Man Marriage Responsibility Sex Woman
Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERS

Process Worry
You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
JOAN RIVERS

Deep Fun Funny Old Work Yourself
Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
JOAN RIVERS

Defeat Herself Myself Win
When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERS

Change Decision Himself Husband Marriage Mindset Myself
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS

Eat Food Yourself
Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
JOAN RIVERS

Goodness Hands Library Look Men Woman
My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
JOAN RIVERS

Bond Daughter Family Mom Myself Relationship Talk Yourself

I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

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