Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERSIn life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERS