Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERSIn life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
JOAN RIVERS