On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSLife is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS