“I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.””

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.

Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.

Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

Everyone agrees the celibacy rule is just a Church law dating from the 11th century, not a divine command.

A good amount of the guys wanted to date me. Even older guys looking at me. It took some getting used to.

Employees make the best dates. You don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.

I’ve turned down a lot of arena dates because I’ve done the big-arena thing. Now, I want to do something where people can feel me and I can feel them.

I’ve hung out and dated people I’ve never even met before.

Your peace doesn’t have a due date.

My first date ever, I was kind of nervous, so I was like, ‘I’m going to bring Brady to this walk on the beach with this girl,’ and she was like, ‘Oh my gosh, I have a King Charles Cavalier, too.’ I’m like, ‘Money, perfect, amazing.’

I’m not really a first-move kind of gal.