Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
JOAN RIVERSI was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
JOAN RIVERS