Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t worry about the money. Love the process.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERS