I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
JOAN RIVERSSomething terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Better laid than never.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
JOAN RIVERS