Old age is always ten years more than we are.
JOAN RIVERSAt my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Better laid than never.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
JOAN RIVERS