“At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.

With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Better laid than never.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

(Some people say “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.)

Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

I have imbibed such a love for money that I keep some sequins in a drawer to count, and cry over them once a week.

The other damned saw what was happening and caught hold of it too. She was indignant and cried, “Let go-it’s my onion,” and as soon as she said, “my onion,” the stalk broke and she fell back into the flames.

You can cry for a little bit, eat some ice cream, but I think, after that, it’s like, get up, listen to some powerful music and do something that makes you happy, be productive.

I remember like it was yesterday. He had worked all those years to own that house and he cried. He was so excited and so happy and I want to see other people get that feeling, too.

It’s no use crying over spilt milk, because all of the forces of the universe were bent on spilling it.

I’m just making an observation. They’re crying out for the love that maybe they didn’t get at home, and they got everything.