My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
JOAN RIVERSIf you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
-
-
The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERS -
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERS -
In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
JOAN RIVERS -
Better laid than never.
JOAN RIVERS -
One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
JOAN RIVERS -
You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
JOAN RIVERS -
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
JOAN RIVERS -
When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERS -
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
JOAN RIVERS -
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
JOAN RIVERS -
Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
JOAN RIVERS -
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS -
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
JOAN RIVERS -
Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
JOAN RIVERS -
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
JOAN RIVERS