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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

Joan Rivers

She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Herself Stupidity Understand War World
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS

Eat Food Yourself
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Man Marriage Responsibility Sex Woman
I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS

Born Myself Room
If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
JOAN RIVERS

Fashion Military Ugly Yourself
I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Himself Husband Love Myself
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Run Smile Time
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS

Eat Food Yourself
You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
JOAN RIVERS

Deep Fun Funny Old Work Yourself
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
JOAN RIVERS

Believe Parent Ugly
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
JOAN RIVERS

Children Early Memories Myself Parents
We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
JOAN RIVERS

Death Food Funny Greatness Myself
Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
JOAN RIVERS

Attraction Change Death Greatness People Place Thinking Young
I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
JOAN RIVERS

Better Grief Myself
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERS

Acceptance Funny Luck Old Oneself
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Hell Herself Mom Myself
A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
JOAN RIVERS

Animal Born Mom Oneself
If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
JOAN RIVERS

Believe Greatness Marriage People Scare
Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERS

End Happiness Life Movie Stars Yourself
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS

Appearance Funny Myself
Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
JOAN RIVERS

Blame Head Heart Love Myself Sex
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Man Marriage Responsibility Sex Woman
Old age is always ten years more than we are.
JOAN RIVERS

Age Old Reality
When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERS

Change Decision Himself Husband Marriage Mindset Myself
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Happiness Key Life Money People
You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
JOAN RIVERS

Deep Inspirational Kill Time Yourself
Happiness, at my age, is breathing
JOAN RIVERS

Age Breathe Funny Happiness Inspiration One Liner

Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

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