I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERS -
Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERS -
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS -
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERS