Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
JOAN RIVERSI told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERS -
Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS -
Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
JOAN RIVERS -
Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
JOAN RIVERS -
A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
JOAN RIVERS -
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS -
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERS -
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERS -
Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
JOAN RIVERS -
Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERS -
Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERS -
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
JOAN RIVERS -
I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERS -
I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERS