I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERSOn her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
JOAN RIVERS