Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
JOAN RIVERSThank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERS