Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
JOAN RIVERSOne of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Better laid than never.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
JOAN RIVERS