I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERSTo the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
JOAN RIVERS