Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERSTo the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
JOAN RIVERS