I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERSI said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
JOAN RIVERS -
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERS -
I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERS -
I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
JOAN RIVERS -
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
JOAN RIVERS -
Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
JOAN RIVERS -
Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERS -
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS -
I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS -
Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS -
There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
JOAN RIVERS