Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERSThere are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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