The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERSLife goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
JOAN RIVERS