Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
JOAN RIVERSLife goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
-
-
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERS -
My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
JOAN RIVERS -
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
JOAN RIVERS -
My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
JOAN RIVERS -
I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
JOAN RIVERS -
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
JOAN RIVERS -
Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
JOAN RIVERS -
I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
JOAN RIVERS -
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
JOAN RIVERS -
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS -
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
JOAN RIVERS -
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS -
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
JOAN RIVERS -
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
JOAN RIVERS -
Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERS -
In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
JOAN RIVERS -
One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
JOAN RIVERS -
Happiness, at my age, is breathing
JOAN RIVERS -
I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERS -
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERS -
I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS -
I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERS -
I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERS -
My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
JOAN RIVERS -
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS -
Better laid than never.
JOAN RIVERS