“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”

If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.

Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I’ve never been more nervous in my life than singing the national anthem at the Super Bowl.

How can money be the root of all evil when shopping is the cure for all sadness?

When they saw me in my space suit and the parachute dragging alongside as I walked, they started to back away in fear. I told them, don’t be afraid, I am a Soviet like you, who has descended from space and I must find a telephone to call Moscow!

All I want to know is where I’m going to die, so I’ll never go there.

When I do get pregnant, I highly doubt I’ll be one of those women who don’t look pregnant from behind – I’ll be that chick who looks pregnant from her ankles up!

Modern intelligence won’t accept anything on authority. But it will accept anything without authority.

The story goes that a public sinner was excommunicated and forbidden entry to the church. He took his woes to God. ‘They won’t let me in, Lord, because I am a sinner.’ ‘What are you complaining about?’ said God. ‘They won’t let Me in either.

Nothing earth-shattering has happened in men’s fashion. How much can you do with men’s clothes?