I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERSThe first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS