My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERGI like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
MITCH HEDBERG