“I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.”

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

Every picture of you is when you were younger.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

Why are there no “during” pictures?

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

Half of what i say is meaningless.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs, send him to KFC.

Beer may cause you to digress and lead a happier life.

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.

Love, what a long way, to arrive at a kiss.