I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERGIf you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG