I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERGDogs are forever in the push up postion.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERG