“Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

Every picture of you is when you were younger.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

Why are there no “during” pictures?

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”

Those little paws gifted me the galaxy of a sweet home.

Dogs and philosophers do the greatest good and get the fewest rewards.

I pissed on the man who called me a dog. why was he so surprised?

Other dogs bite only their enemies, whereas I bite also my friends in order to save them.

I am Diogenes the Dog. I nuzzle the kind, bark at the greedy and bite scoundrels.

When I love I leave nothing for the dogs.

When I’m at home, I don’t discuss business. I don’t talk business. I don’t answer the phone. It’s just me, my wife, my children, my dogs. That’s my world.

My weakness? Anything with 4 legs.