I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG