I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG -
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERG