I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERGI think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERG