“Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.”

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

Every picture of you is when you were younger.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

Why are there no “during” pictures?

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”

The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’

Censorship feeds the dirty mind more than the four-letter word itself.

I don’t like food that’s too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I’d buy a painting.

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?

Occasionally, in the afternoons, I catch a movie, watch football, go to Sunday brunch, or visit with family and friends.

Hatred is the vice of narrow souls; they feed it with all their littleness, and make it the pretext of base tyrannies.

Homogeneity is much to be admired – in milk, for instance – but not for parties.

Your goal in life must be to always move higher and higher up the food chain, where you alone control the direction of your enterprise and depend on no one.