I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG