I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG