I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG