Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERGI think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG