I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERGSometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG -
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERG