Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERGSometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG -
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG -
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG -
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG