I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERGSometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERG