If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERGHere’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERG