I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERGI find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG