Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERGImagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG