I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERGImagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG