I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERG -
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERG -
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG -
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG -
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG