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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

Mitch Hedberg

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Phone
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG

Break Funny Humor Sorry
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG

Depression Funny Sports Wall
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Humor
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Funny Humor Running
I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Soccer Sports
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Jobs
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Music
Every picture of you is when you were younger.
MITCH HEDBERG

Photograph Young Yourself
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERG

Color Funny Humor Oppression People
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Watches
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG

Air Funny Humor
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Language Word
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG

Clever Funny Witty
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Ghost Humor Room
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Teeth

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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