I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG