Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERG