Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
MITCH HEDBERGA friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG