I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
MITCH HEDBERGIf I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERG