I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERGMy belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG