I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERGMy belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERG