I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERGIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG