Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
MITCH HEDBERGIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG