I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERGIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG