Why are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERGIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG