I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERGIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERG