She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
JOAN RIVERSI said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERS -
You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERS