“She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Better laid than never.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.

Old age is always ten years more than we are.

The missed call and call back drama between men and women deserves its own user mannual.

Eight days ago, we were the toast of the town. Eight days later we’re Thanksgiving turkeys.

They teach anything in universities today. You can major in mud pies.

I’m try-sexual. I try anything that’s sexual.

The closest encounter I had with films in my childhood was sitting on the lap of my father at a shooting set, and he would say ‘rain,’ and it started raining, and then he would say ‘song,’ and people started dancing. I thought I was sitting on God’s lap.

Comedy is the most difficult. Comic timing is something which you either have it in you, or you don’t. You have to have a good sense of humour to be able to understand it. A split second can make you lose the punch.

I am a big foodie, so much so that I eat in every half an hour. This is the secret of my glowing skin.

Shah Rukh is not my girlfriend that I should remember him. When I don’t remember my past girlfriends, what will I remember Shah Rukh for?