I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERSShe doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Better laid than never.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
JOAN RIVERS