America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
BILL MAHERCurious people are interesting people, I wonder why that is.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.
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The cable TV sex channels don’t expand our horizons, don’t make us better people, and don’t come in clearly enough.
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Just honest. To me, being ‘politically incorrect’ means the opposite of being political — which means to spin everything. That’s all it’s ever meant to me. It’s never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.
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The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.
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The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
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Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.
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Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
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If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.
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I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
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Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
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Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?
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Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
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You know, there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time, husband!!!
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The First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on political issues from getting called whores by Oxycontin addicts.
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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
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Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.
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When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, ‘I want to help you get teeth.’ Why does that make me an a**hole?
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What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I’m not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they’re anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they’re anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they’re super Christian, they’re a witch.
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Denying racism is the new racism.
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Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
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I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
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Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.
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Curious people are interesting people, I wonder why that is.
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If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
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Funny that all of Nixon’s crimes – anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars – are all legal now. Discuss.
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Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them!
BILL MAHER