I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
BILL MAHERIf you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
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In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit.
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The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
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Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?
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Religion is insanity by consensus.
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Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he’d have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.
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I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.
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When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.
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Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.
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We don’t really have to make fun of religion – it makes fun of itself.
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Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.
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Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
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What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don’t call him stupid because they don’t agree with you politically.
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Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.
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Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.
BILL MAHER