“Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?”

To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.

In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas.

Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.

If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.

Religion is insanity by consensus.

I don’t know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.

God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”

I have always defined political correctness as an elevation of sensitivity over truth.

Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks.

In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit.

Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we’re someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.

The highest reward that God gives us for good work is the ability to do better work.

It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later.

In our prayers, we talk to God, in our Bible study, God talks to us, and we had better let God do most of the talking.

People look at rights as if they were muscles — the more you exercise them, the better they get.

I’m not better than the next trader, just quicker at admitting my mistakes and moving on to the next opportunity.

Our Lord did not ask us to give up the things of earth, but to exchange them for better things.

Better yourself. Don’t belittle yourself.

So you’re a little weird? Work it! A little different? OWN it! Better to be a nerd than one of the herd!