The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity – mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism – mumbling to the wall, Islam – mumbling to the floor.
BILL MAHERIn the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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False hope really makes you cynical.
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Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.
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I’m for the death penalty, I’m pro-abortion, I’m pro-assisted suicide, I’m pro-regular suicide. Anything that’ll get the traffic moving.
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If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
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In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.
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I feel terrible for a Palestinian child who dies. But, if it’s your father, your brother or your uncle who was firing those rockets into Israel, whose fault is it really? Do you really expect the Israelis not to retaliate?
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We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
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I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
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I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.
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I don’t respect religon. I don’t respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.
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Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.
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Curious people are interesting people, I wonder why that is.
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I always compare marriage to communism. They’re both institutions that don’t conform to human nature, so you’re going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
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The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
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The Drug War is an addiction, really.
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The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
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Again, (America is) a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.
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In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas.
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Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them!
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Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we’re someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.
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Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
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Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?
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God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”
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When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.
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Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.
BILL MAHER