The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
BILL MAHERIf conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’
More Bill Maher Quotes
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Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
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The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you’ll wind up with a lover.
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Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them!
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Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?
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It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.
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I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
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As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it.
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Denying racism is the new racism.
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Talk to women who’ve ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.
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You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
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Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
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Men are only as loyal as their options.
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Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’
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You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.
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The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.
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I feel like I’m wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.
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To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.
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We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.
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During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.
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A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
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Religion is insanity by consensus.
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To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.
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Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it’s sexy but one thing that men never think is, “Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.”
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Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
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If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.
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I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
BILL MAHER