You know, there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time, husband!!!
BILL MAHERMen are only as loyal as their options.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
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Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
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Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we’re someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.
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Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
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Men are only as loyal as their options.
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I have always defined political correctness as an elevation of sensitivity over truth.
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Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?
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The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
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The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
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The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’
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Some people think I enjoy debate. I don’t. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.
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Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
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I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
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It’s not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That’s predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.
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Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.
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In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas.
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Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
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We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
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During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.
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You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
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Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
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There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don’t get a vote.
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The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
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Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it’s sexy but one thing that men never think is, “Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.”
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When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, ‘I want to help you get teeth.’ Why does that make me an a**hole?
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A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
BILL MAHER