If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.
NORM MACDONALDBack in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
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Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
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In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
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I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
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Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
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It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.
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You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.
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All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
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I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.
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Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.
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Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog… The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.
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He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
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I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
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I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
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Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.
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The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.
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Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.
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They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.
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It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
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Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
NORM MACDONALD