You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?
NORM MACDONALDThere are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
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Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
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We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
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Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
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I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.
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Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
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The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
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When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.
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I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
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This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
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You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.
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I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
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As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.
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A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.
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They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.
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If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.
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Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
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I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
NORM MACDONALD